You think you know me?

 

 "you want to the truth, you can't handle the truth"

• It takes everything I have to get out of bed in the morning
• It takes everything I have to get in the shower and get ready to drive to work
• It takes everything on a weekend to even get out of the chair and do anything
• I'm happier (not the right word) just sitting in my chair on a Saturday or Sunday just channel surfing and doing nothing
• I know exactly what I need to and should be doing but I just can't get my brain to shut down on all the other stuff and give me enough time to work on any of it
• I find myself doing the same thing on the same subject over and over and over again
• The kids call me and ask me to come over and eat and it sounds like a great idea at the time and the closer I get to their house the more I wish I hadn't accepted and not because I don't love them it's because I feel like a burden and my dark comes out to play
• It sounds like a great idea to sit outside on my porch until people walk by and talk to me, I gather my stuff and go back inside
• My brain is somewhere just waiting for a shoe to drop or something to brought up that just sends me over the edge
• I have every good intention of going home, changing clothes and going for a walk or for a bicycle ride and then I walk in the door, change into gym shorts and I'm done for the night
• I would love to eat something good for dinner but 10 oreos end up being the meal of the night and sometimes the only thing during the entire day
• I have been up since 3 this morning looking at mindless shit on the internet
• I have very little interests right now, sitting outside with a fire use to do it for me but I don't even like to come out of the house and definitely not when the neighbors are outside
• On the few nights that I have gone out and walked I start out pretty good, I start getting winded and then I get bored with walking and just want to call uber to come pick me up, I don't go far when I do walk maybe about 6 blocks away so it's easy to turn around and head back
• I go through nights when all I do is drink dinner then go for 4 or 5 days without even touching it
• I made a kick ass pork loin with taters, onions and bought salad for Saturday night just to throw it all away on Sunday morning but hey it was fun to start it
• My comment of I'm doing OK because I'm still here was pretty much true, I've accepted that we don't get out of this alive but I'm not really doing anything to get there any sooner, and I'm not doing very much to make sure I don't get there any later either
• My house is a pit, my garage that was spotless a few weeks ago has just enough room for my bike, bike and car, my tools are a mess and scattered all over the place
• I could care less about going and making calls purely because I have to talk to someone and listen to them babble
• I might be a little concerned about the heart cath that is coming up
• Focus...........I wish I could again
• Being alone is a good thing sometimes
• This past weekend I needed or thought I needed the little white pills a few times but didn't take them just to see if it really was needed or just all in my head or "gas"

The Last Time..

The Last Time

 From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you had freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feeding and burping,
Whining and fighting,
Naps, or lack of naps. It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget…
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby
for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip,
then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.

 You will scrub their hair in the bath one night

And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake for this.
One afternoon you will sing ‘the wheels on the bus’
and do all the actions,
Then you’ll never sing that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
the next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your
last dirty face.
They will one day run to you with arms raised,
for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
until there are no more times, and even then,
it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them and
when they are gone,
you will yearn for just one more day of them

For one last time.
~~Author unknown~~