FEELINGS

I'm not sure what I felt yesterday, it was a day filled with an over abundance of emotion.

Yesterday was the Celebration of Hero's hosted by the Kansas Eye Bank and the Midwest Transplant Network, both of them amazing organizations in what they do.

We were notified about 6 weeks ago that Nic's eyes had been donated after his accident in May of last year. Something that came as a total shock (from being notified of it), surprise (that will become apparent later), and pride (something that he has registered to do just a few short months before his death).

Shock | I never expected to hear anything this late after his death.

Surprise | I took the phone call just two days after his death from the folks at the Midwest Transplant Network telling me that they were appreciative of his dedication to his gift but they were unable to use any of his organs.  I was proud that he had registered with them none the less.

Pride | It was an immediate flashback to May 28th, the way I found out about his accident (Facebook by the news media), the frantic calls back to Wichita to my youngest daughter, the neighbors across the street from Nic, my son in law's James and Marc telling them to go pick up Vickie at  the hospital where she was doing her clinicals and my oldest daughter Reniece from Wesley where she was working (and due with my 6th grandchild any day), the Kansas Highway Patrol (who never did return my phone calls) the drive back to Wichita from Shreveport, the multitude of phone calls to make arrangements, (my friend John to see if he had a motorcycle tank that we could use for an urn), cancel appointments that were scheduled for the week in Jackson, Meridian, Alexandria, Lafayette, College Station and Shreveport, and finally the call came from my cousin Sharron saying that the Highway Patrol was trying to get a hold of me.  

All of those emotions came flooding back to me, 8 hours of driving all in a matter of seconds.  You may ask where the Pride part came in after all of this.  The Pride that a part of my son was living on in another someone(s).

Do I know who this someone(s) is?  Nope, and I may never know, it's part of the policy, I can send the Kansas Eye Bank a letter and they will forward it to the person(s), it's up to them whether they reply or not.  Is it worth the effort to tell them about my son?  I think so, even if they never read it, or maybe they read it 10 years from now, I just know that someone(s) out there right now looking at the world thru my son's eyes, and that's one of the proudest moments.

Back to yesterday and the event, it was an amazing Celebration for all of the Hero's that were honored, young babies, teens, kids Nic's age, folks my age, and even older.  They were celebrated and honored for what they did in this life, they (all of them) gave a part of their life to help someone be able to see again, to breathe longer, to have a functioning kidney, a heart, you name it and it was donated by these angels that walk among us.

There were tears of sadness, tears remembering who we were there to honor, tears of never being able to see them again in this life, tears of joy for the ones that were there that had received a new chance, and tears of sharing our moments with everyone in the room, knowing that they were having the same emotions we were.  A gathering of people that have been in the same situation we have over the past year.

Vickie and the girls made a scrapbook page and a panel for quilt number 11 that will be displayed all over the state of Kansas in the coming years.  And the most amazing thing after it was all over, and everyone had filed out for cookies and something to drink, I walked over to the quilt panel, the entire quilt was shaded from the sun coming in from the skylight with the exception of a small child and Nic's panel.  

Some of you may not believe this but I'm a true believer since May 28, 2013.  There is something greater than us out there, and those that go before us become Angels and they stay with us, checking in when we need them the most and smiling down on us in the shape of feathers, pennies, a rock that just shows up out of no where, a butterfly, a dragonfly and sometimes it's as real as their hand on your shoulder, a breath on your cheek or like today, a ray of sunshine on his face, saying, it's OK Dad, it's OK to be sad and miss me, but I'm in a much better place, I'm here waiting on you and I love you.

Today might just be the day that I needed the most.

So, my advice for the day is, register to donate life, make sure that your drivers license has it listed on it, put it into your will, put it into your living will, make sure your loved ones know that your wish is to give life after your life.  It may not be something that your family will want to do after your gone, but believe me, it will be something that they will be proud of after your gone.  Hell, it's just a body anyway, the good part lives on and on in our memories.

327 days, 22 hours, 35 minutes.

just 36 more days and it will have been a year since your life was cut short and you were taken away, am i still pissed off?  you bet your sweet ass i am.

i started attending a grief group meeting every monday night a few weeks ago and i found that while there isn't a single soul in the group that is an actual "counselor, social worker or psychologist" that there really doesn't have to be one to help you.  just a bunch of normal people, most of them older and most that have lost either a husband or a wife that they were married to in excess of 45 years getting together sharing their feelings and then going for pie.

is it helping? who knows, some nights it does and others it breaks the scab wide open and the thoughts, emotions, the choke up, the can't breathe and the tears are as real as they were 327 days ago.

depending on who you listen to or what you read there are 5 stages of grief according to kübler-ross;

• denial | this one lasted about 36 hours for me.
• anger | i'm still there, i'm pissed at god, why would someone that i was told was merciful, caring and loving for most of my "religious" life take my son away from me, why would he take a father away from his daughter when she needed him the most, why would he take away a caring and loving brother and why would he take away a mother's best friend.  i can think of a ton of other people that should be eliminated from the face of this earth for the harm that they've caused.
• bargaining | i guess i've done this a few times, i've asked why not me first, i've asked that big guy up stairs to just let him come back for a few minutes, i don't even have to talk to him, just let me see him one last time, let him walk up and say "hey old man, you're an asshole", strike me dead and i'd be happy.
• depression | yep, been there done that, my 9th floor balcony in shreveport looked like a great place to launch myself from on more than one occassion, 145 mph in my benz a couple of times on long road trips alone looked like a fast way to go (and since i believe that there is life after) thtat i'd be able to see him again, but that "one" little girl always flashed in my eyes along with those 5 other little boys and helped take me back to i'm not done here yet.
• acceptance | blowing my cheeks out and saying bs on this one, although technically i accept that he is gone and will never come bouncing thru the door on his birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, easter, his daughters birthday, mothers day, fathers day, or any other gathering, i know that he's always there in my heart and he's never more than a moment away from my thoughts.

i've had people ask me how i'm doing - "i'm breathing everyday which is as good as it gets"
i've had people tell me that i'll get over it - count yourself lucky to still be standing if you make this comment.
i've had people tell me they know how i feel - bs, unless you've lost a child, you have no clue.
so save the comments, just give me a hug, no words are necessary, in fact, do that with anyone you know in a similar situation, they don't need the words, they just need to know someone is there.

the next 36 days are going to be tough, anniversaries are suppose to be something to celebrate, a milestone but not this one.  while it's going to be a hard day i can take comfort in knowing that he helped anyone he could, never met a stranger, loved his little girl to the moon and back and was my riding buddy, the guy that changed my brakes, the one that helped out whenever he could and the kid that sat across from me at mort's one night with that trademarked grin and said "i love you too dad".

do we celebrate?  who knows, will we be sad and have more tears that are imaginable? i'm sure there will be. 

i know this though, on the 26th of this month we'll be celebrating what he did as a final act to help someone by giving them the gift of sight, we never knew until a few weeks ago, and while it ripped off the scab, it helped flush out the wound knowing that someone(s) was able to have a last look at the world around them thru his eyes.

It's okay to not be okay

some nights it hits you hard and other nights it barely enters your mind.

watching the news is not something that i think i need to or should be doing for a while, it's no different than not going down the same part of the highway.

does it help?

does it hurt?

does it ever go away?

coming up on the anniversary is difficult, but nothing that i can't handle.