His last Chrismas..

Christmas Eve 2012.

Who would have thought, who could have imagined, it was the furthest thing from any of our minds that this would be the last.

The last Christmas Eve, the last time he would see his daughter unwrap presents, the last time we would all be together laughing, listening and sharing Christmas together. 

I found these pictures on his tablet a couple years ago, pictures he took that night, pictures he never shared with anyone, keeping them for himself I imagine to reflect back on or maybe he knew, maybe he wanted something saved for all of us to look back on and remember. 

Remember the joy, remember the laughs, remember how much he loved and I'm certain still loves and watches over that little girl and those four boys and with certainty I know he's looking down on that 5th little boy that was born just a few weeks after he left us in May.

So I'll look back at these pictures he took, I'll remember, I'll wish I'd told him I loved him more that night and I'll shed a ton of tears thinking back on what is gone and I'll keep taking care of that little girl and sharing as many memories as my "steel trap mind" can remember.

Merry Christmas where did you go?

The 4th Christmas without him is just a day away and this Christmas Eve Eve is not any easier, not calmer, not softer it's still empty.

Sure there are little guys and a girl that help fill up the emptiness that was created when Nic left us, but it's not the same with him not here.  There is no "Dad can I borrow a couple bucks", he's not going to be walking thru the door yelling "Merry Christmas", that little girl is not going to have a Daddy's leg to grab a hold of, lap to sit on and "can you put this together for me Daddy" will not be heard among all the other commotion that will go on in 48 hours.  

Missed 

That's the word that resonates, screams and describes my heart and his moms heart as well.  

The girls, their husbands, the grand sons and HJ sure do fill me up, but there's a constant leak in my heart that while it's filling it's also draining out.  It's not as empty as it once was and it doesn't drain out as quickly as it once did either.  But...it still has that empty spot that no one and nothing can replace.

This year, right now today this very minute call your kid, call your parents, call you grand parents, spend Christmas with your family. Family, that's what makes the world go around, it's not the money, the gifts, the presents you receive or the ones you give none of that matters.  What matters is sharing your love with your family.

Stop the arguing, stop the fighting, stop holding a grudge, stop with the hate let the past be the past, get over yourself, stop complaining, quit your bitching and put an end to that Dad made me mad, Mom pissed me off, my son or daughter doesn't like me.  STOP IT! 

Be the better person and tell them you love them....you may never get another chance.