327 days, 22 hours, 35 minutes.

just 36 more days and it will have been a year since your life was cut short and you were taken away, am i still pissed off?  you bet your sweet ass i am.

i started attending a grief group meeting every monday night a few weeks ago and i found that while there isn't a single soul in the group that is an actual "counselor, social worker or psychologist" that there really doesn't have to be one to help you.  just a bunch of normal people, most of them older and most that have lost either a husband or a wife that they were married to in excess of 45 years getting together sharing their feelings and then going for pie.

is it helping? who knows, some nights it does and others it breaks the scab wide open and the thoughts, emotions, the choke up, the can't breathe and the tears are as real as they were 327 days ago.

depending on who you listen to or what you read there are 5 stages of grief according to kübler-ross;

• denial | this one lasted about 36 hours for me.
• anger | i'm still there, i'm pissed at god, why would someone that i was told was merciful, caring and loving for most of my "religious" life take my son away from me, why would he take a father away from his daughter when she needed him the most, why would he take away a caring and loving brother and why would he take away a mother's best friend.  i can think of a ton of other people that should be eliminated from the face of this earth for the harm that they've caused.
• bargaining | i guess i've done this a few times, i've asked why not me first, i've asked that big guy up stairs to just let him come back for a few minutes, i don't even have to talk to him, just let me see him one last time, let him walk up and say "hey old man, you're an asshole", strike me dead and i'd be happy.
• depression | yep, been there done that, my 9th floor balcony in shreveport looked like a great place to launch myself from on more than one occassion, 145 mph in my benz a couple of times on long road trips alone looked like a fast way to go (and since i believe that there is life after) thtat i'd be able to see him again, but that "one" little girl always flashed in my eyes along with those 5 other little boys and helped take me back to i'm not done here yet.
• acceptance | blowing my cheeks out and saying bs on this one, although technically i accept that he is gone and will never come bouncing thru the door on his birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, easter, his daughters birthday, mothers day, fathers day, or any other gathering, i know that he's always there in my heart and he's never more than a moment away from my thoughts.

i've had people ask me how i'm doing - "i'm breathing everyday which is as good as it gets"
i've had people tell me that i'll get over it - count yourself lucky to still be standing if you make this comment.
i've had people tell me they know how i feel - bs, unless you've lost a child, you have no clue.
so save the comments, just give me a hug, no words are necessary, in fact, do that with anyone you know in a similar situation, they don't need the words, they just need to know someone is there.

the next 36 days are going to be tough, anniversaries are suppose to be something to celebrate, a milestone but not this one.  while it's going to be a hard day i can take comfort in knowing that he helped anyone he could, never met a stranger, loved his little girl to the moon and back and was my riding buddy, the guy that changed my brakes, the one that helped out whenever he could and the kid that sat across from me at mort's one night with that trademarked grin and said "i love you too dad".

do we celebrate?  who knows, will we be sad and have more tears that are imaginable? i'm sure there will be. 

i know this though, on the 26th of this month we'll be celebrating what he did as a final act to help someone by giving them the gift of sight, we never knew until a few weeks ago, and while it ripped off the scab, it helped flush out the wound knowing that someone(s) was able to have a last look at the world around them thru his eyes.