It's been two years that have been filled with changes and yet nothing has changed.

Two years ago May 28, 2013 at 7:40 am.
The worst day of my life.
Reading it, not knowing, calling, driving without remembering, hearing it two hours later.

A lot has changed over the past two years, a new grandson was born 13 days after Nic left us, a divorce after 36 years of being married, a move from Shreveport, a move into and out of my childhood home, a new place in Riverside, ups and downs with depression, two new jobs, being pissed off, hurt, more pissed off, becoming a recluse, hating the world and saying fuck it on a regular basis.

So what do I miss the most?  That's a long, long list......his goofy smile, that sound he made, the punch in the arm he gave me, the rides we went on, the smile he gave to his daughter, and the smile on her face when he was around.

That kid was my world, and still is.  There isn't a day that goes by without tears that stream down my cheek, my heart is empty and will probably never be filled again, the ache is more than I can describe in words and the comment "it just get's softer" is BULLSHIT.

The other night I watched Zombie Land (which was a favorite movie of his) and there was one thing that stuck out in the movie that he loved, "Columbus: Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose"  How true is that statement, I do have nothing to lose anymore.

There have been a few times that I've found myself thinking how easy it would be to be able to forget everything, but my brain and heart keep going back to 5 little boys, two girls and one very special little girl that I need to have remember who her father was, and what he did that made him special.

So, I keep plugging along, with or without help, and I'll continue to do it my way.