What is a dad to do when it's that time of year once again

What in the hell does that mean Kurt?

There are months that have special meaning to me, December is Christmas, November is Turkey Day, October is Halloween and Birthdays, September is my birthday, August is another Birthday, July is Independence Day, May is Memorial Day, April is normally Easter, February is Valentines Day and January is the start of the New Year.

But what about those months that have an even more current meaning to me?

• April is when Nic and I had a really huge fight over my life and his thoughts on what it should be, we always agreed to disagree, but sometimes is became a really heated battle, I guess that's what fathers and sons do.
• May is when Nic and I made amends, we had a couple of drinks at Mort's and then Dinner with his sisters and then 15 days later he left this earth.
• September leads up to his birthday with the entire month of October being one of those other miss you months because of his birthday and Halloween which he loved because of his daughter
• November and December both suck because I know he won't be here to celebrate in person.

 So what is a father that is still grieving the loss of his son to do?  Who the fuck knows at this point, I can tell you that over the past three years I've;

• Pushed people out of my life, people that were my friends and I mean some of my best friends for no reason other than I just couldn't deal with the questions and the sharing of memories about Nic
• Stopped letting people into my life, not because I am cold and heartless, but because it's easier to keep people at a distance and not be affected by their lives or subject myself to questions or the outside chance that something tragic happens in their life
• Stopped sharing nearly as much as I once did, if I keep it inside it means I don't have to relive the grief and once again I'm protected
• Forgotten how to love and I mean really really love, sure I love my kids and my grand kids, but that's an entirely different kind of love, that's the kind that will never go away, can't be swayed and can't go away.  (if you don't have grand children you have no clue what I'm talking about)
• Thrown myself into my work, 12-15 hour days were not uncommon the past couple of years and now that I am unemployed I have no clue what to do with myself other than wake up, look for a job, smoke, drink, go to bed and start all over again

Depressed, yea maybe just a titch,,,,,,feel sorry for myself, never.

So what's a guy to do?
Live, that's the best anyone can do and maybe another tat.